Cameron To Help Search For Loch Ness Monster In Burma

By our correspondent in London British Prime Minister David Cameron could soon be returning to Burma to ask President Thein Sein for co-operation in the hunt for the Loch Ness Monster. The Loch Ness Monster, also known as Nessie, is a legend of some kind of dinosaur like monster living in Loch Ness, a large lake in Scotland. The initiative comes at the behest of Bonkers Mc Faddden, a highland farmer who has spent his life searching for the Loch Ness monster after claiming to have seen the beast when he was a child on a family hunting trip. His hunt seemed to have come to an end in 2003 when a BBC sponsored search with high tech sensory equipment scanned every inch of the Loch without finding any trace of Nessie. "At first I thought they were just looking in the wrong place, but then I started to wonder if Nessie had been kidnapped, it is the only sensible explanation," Bonkers McFadden told Burma Tha Din News. "After years of research I discovered that boats for the Irrawaddy Flotilla Company were being built in Scotland and towed to Burma for use on the Irrawaddy. I believe one of these boats was used to smuggle Nessie out of Burma, and that she was placed in Inya Lake." Pressed for evidence to substantiate his claim, McFadden said; "Look at the case of John Yettaw. It was never clearly established how he managed to swim across the lake to Aung San Suu Kyi's house. Maybe he had a ride? I'm just sayin’." A spokesperson at 10 Downing St confirmed the planned visit, telling Burma Tha Din News; "The PM was going to Asia soon anyway, and apart from trade we had nothing particularly import to talk to the Burmese government about, so we thought, why the hell not, the Daily Mail will probably like it and God knows we can do with some positive coverage in the Mail." A bemused spokesperson for President Thein Sein's office told Burma Tha Din that they hadn't heard anything about the initiative, but that these days they wouldn't be surprised. "We are getting used to this kind of thing. At least they are not giving us a hard time like they used to. As long as they keep offering us money for our cooperation why not agree? The war in Kachin State is very expensive." Families of students drowned in Inya Lake by the Burmese Army in 1988, for which nobody has ever been prosecuted or held accountable, could not be reached for comment.

Aung San Suu Kyi Not Perfect - Exclusive

Burma Tha Din Network can exclusively reveal today the shocking new fact that Aung San Suu Kyi is not perfect.

The revelations will cause shock among her many supporters at home and abroad, including many world leaders.

Burma Tha Din began its investigation following the strident criticism in the online knitting community of two jumpers alleged to have been knitted by Daw Suu, which were recently auctioned.

We dared to think the unthinkable; if The Lady isn't good at knitting, is it possible she isn't perfect? If so, what else isn't she good at? We dispatched a correspondent to Oxford, where Aung San Suu Kyi used to live, and were amazed by what we found.

Based on conversations with neighbours, friends and people randomly walking down the road, we established the following revelations. Aung San Suu Kyi regularly let the tea stew too long in the pot, according to one neighbour.

Aung San Suu Kyi made lumpy porridge, and her children preferred aunty Lucinda's porridge.

Aung San Suu Kyi once ran out of sugar, and had to borrow some from a neighbour.

Once we came to terms with these revelations, we had to ask ourselves the obvious question, if Aung San Suu Kyi is not perfect, could she also be responsible for multiple human rights violations in Burma, such as forced labour, jailing political prisoners, torturing people, rounding up ethnic minorities in camps, and mortar bombing ethnic minority children?

We tried to reach President Thein Sein for comment, but a spokesman for his office said he was unavailable for comment because he was very busy committing multiple human rights violations, such as forced labour, jailing political prisoners, torturing people, rounding up ethnic minorities in camps, and mortar bombing ethnic minority children.

The revelations will undoubtedly provoke strong criticism of Aung San Suu Kyi, even among her supporters. Roger Benedict, spokesperson for Buddhist Solidarity Worldwide, told Burma Tha Din, "The revelations will shock her supporters who saw her as Asia's Jamie Oliver". Representatives from the Kachin, the Rohingya and the arms trade industry were not able to comment before our publication deadline.