Monday, December 18, 2017

Four Hates Party Formed


A new political party has been born in Myanmar, with the formation of the Four Hates party by Ko Ko Gyi, a former democracy activist turned neo-Nazi.

“We are united in our four hates,” said Ko Ko Gyi. “Hate Bengali so-called Rohingya, hate all Muslims, hate foreigners who go on about human rights, and hate the NLD for rejecting me as a candidate. We think many people in Myanmar share these hates and we will win many seats in the next election.”

Asked about policies, Ko Ko Gyi dismissed suggestions his party should have a clear political platform. “In the true Myanmar political tradition, I formed this party because I want to be leader, not to be stuck in an office working out policies. Now at last I am the leader! Have you any idea how it felt being overshadowed by Min Ko Naing all those years?”

The formation of the new party received a mixed reception on social media, which has already dubbed it the shit party. One commented: “Oh great, another right wing nationalist party, just what we need.” Another commented, “Leute, stehe auf und stürm, los!”

An NLD spokesperson told Burma Tha Din, “It is learned that some people want to form a new political party but we have not decided whether to allow it. We will not allow internal destructive elements or ax handles in our country, but they did force out their Muslim member so this is a good sign.”

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

EU announces new funding round for ‘complex’ analysis


The European Union today announced another round of funding aimed at projects and people to ramble on about how complex everything in Myanmar is.

In a statement, EU Ambassador Kristian Schmidt said: “Talking up complexities is vital in countering demands that we do something about problems. This is particularly the case in Rakhine State, where things are so bad some EU member states even think we should do something.”

Proposals are invited for studies and commentary which results in one or all of the following conclusions:

• That the situation is more complex than most people realise
• That the international community must tread carefully
• That ultimately the solution must come from within Myanmar

No actual practical proposals for addressing problems are required.

“This should in particular appeal to people self-identifying as independent analysts, as they will be very well paid, be able to smugly sound like they understand things other people don’t, and don’t have to stick their neck out suggesting anything useful,” said Schmidt.

The statement went on to say: Dinner and prosecco at the Ambassadors luxury villa are included with all successful proposals. As usual, no information on end recipients will be released and any requests for information by journalists will be met with the usual ‘we’ll get back to you.’

Saturday, September 9, 2017

Burma Tha Din News Update 9th September 2017

After calls for restraint, soldiers ordered to only shoot Rohingya once

Min Aung Hlaing has agreed to calls for restraint by the international community, and ordered soldiers to only shoot Rohingya once, and use less petrol when burning homes.

“We didn’t expect to get such good advice from America, the EU and others,” said a senior military source. “Of course they are right. We only need to shoot a Bengali once. If they are only injured they will die anyway without medical assistance, it will just take longer. We just have to be more patient. This will save us lots of bullets which we can use instead on other Bengali.”


Min Aung Hlaing Furious Aung San Suu Kyi Getting All The Credit


Burma Tha Din sources in the military say Min Aung Hlaing is furious that Aung San Suu Kyi is getting all the credit for driving Rohingya out of Burma.

“He is raging,” said one source. “He spent months planning this offensive and waiting for the next ARSA attack so he could carry it out, now Aung San Suu Ki is getting all the credit for his work.”

Another source told Burma Tha Din “The Commander in Chief felt he had an understanding with Daw Aung San Suu Kyi but he feels betrayed now. He has driven more Bengali out of Myanmar than anyone in history, but she takes the credit. She is very tricky.”


Correction

In our news update last week we reported that a media editor was having a breakdown over the Rohingya issue. It has now come to our attention that although posturing as a media editor he has in fact done very little media editing and is in effect a government spokesperson. He has also now publicly stated his feelings that Rohingya do not belong in Burma, and must be feeling a lot better now. We apologize for any misunderstandings our article may have caused.

Saturday, September 2, 2017

News Update 2nd September 2017

All rice farmers to be arrested after rice found in ARSE camp

Aung San Suu Kyi’s personal spokesperson U Zaw Htay has announced that all rice farmers in Burma are to be arrested following the discovery of a bag of rice in an ARSE terrorist camp.

“Clearly rice farmers are collaborating with the extremist Bengali terrorists,” said Zaw Htay. “We will be posting pictures of the bag of rice on Facebook every day to make sure everyone in Myanmar knows that rice farmers are supporting extremist Bengali terrorists. If we can provoke the population into attacking them it will save us the job of arresting them and we don’t get the blame for the arrests.”

MPs have demanded DNA tests on the rice to see if it is pure rice provided by collaborators or if it is mixed blood foreign rice.


Media group editor rumours

Rumours are circulating in media circles that the editor of one of Burma’s highest profile media groups has had a breakdown after an emotional outburst to staff that he couldn’t bear trying to write another editorial trying to balance what he really wants to say about Rohingya with what donors will accept without pulling funding.

Staff had become suspicious after a series of articles subtly and not so subtly backing stronger military intervention in Rakhine State appeared in the publication.

The editor, widely known for his past preference for employing Australians rather than ethnic people, did not respond to our request asking how many Rohingya and Muslim journalists he has employed over the years.


MaBaTha protests name of People’s Park, demands name change to Citizen’s Park

From our special correspondent

RANGOON – MaBaTha’s leading monk U Wirathu personally addressed a large group of non-aliens in People’s Park on Sunday, as part of a growing campaign to change the name of the central Rangoon leisure space. “What if extremist Bengali terrorists come for a picnic here? Or even worse: those complicit foreign aid workers!?”, Wirathu exclaimed while addressing the crowd. The issue of attracting non-citizens to the popular hangout spot with such a generic name as People's Park is making non-secular groups increasingly worried.

Local resident and MaBaTha-supporter Aung Thu shares these concerns: “This park protects the rights of all citizens, not people. We can’t allow foreign elements to come and ruin this beautiful space”. A petition has been submitted to Yangon Chief Minister U Phyo Min Thein to officially change the name of this non-terrorist haven to “Citizen’s Park”.

U Zaw Htay, spokesperson of the State Counsellor’s Office, welcomes the initiative. “I think it’s a great idea. There’s no such thing as a free lunch”, he told reporters in Naypyidaw. He further proposed to only allow access to those citizens who have signed the Nationwide Ceasefire Agreement (NCA): “If you want to ride the train, you have to buy the ticket”.

By sheer coincidence, U Wirathu is also keen on bringing a bamboo nature reserve to the park with the name 'Citizen Kane'. However, he was clear to state that manipulating public opinion or a ruthless pursuit of political power were definitely not his intentions, unlike the infamous Orson Welles character.

Saturday, August 26, 2017

News From Rakhine - 26th August 2017


Bengali’s Attacking us ‘Not Fair’ Says Commander in Chief


The Commander in Chief and Office of the State Counsellor both issued statements today condemning Rohingya attacks on police and army posts.

“These attacks are proof the Bengali’s are not ethnic from Myanmar, if they were they would know the way it is supposed to work here is we attack them, not they attack us back,’ said Min Aung Hlaing. “They should sit in their village and wait for us to attack them at time which is convenient for us. It’s not fair to fight back and to so when we are not expecting it.”

Not for the first time, Daw Aung San Suu Kyi’s spokesperson echoed the Commander in Chief: “They should not attack us, what have we ever done to them? It’s not fair.”

Government Announces New Terrorist Categories

Following attacks at the western gate, the government has issued Order 1/1984 on terrorism designations. These designations must be used in all official communications.

James Bond villain terrorist: Megalomaniac individual seeking world takeover.

Extremist terrorist: Terrorists who are Muslims.

Standard terrorist: Non Bamar ethnic people.

Traitor terrorist: Bamar who disagree with government or military.

Moderate terrorist: Groups who sign NCA

NGOs Demand ‘Someone do Something’ on Rakhine Crisis


36 human rights and civil society organisation today published an open join letter to the international community demanding ‘someone do something,’ about the escalating violence in Rakhine State.

Reports that up to a thousand very pissed off Rohingya people attacked police posts and killed officers, and that the military are stepping up attacks, justify the immediate doing of something by the international community, according to the letter.

The letter warns, “unless something is done and done urgently, there is a very real risk of us issuing another joint letter, but this time with even more signatories.”

Military ‘not offended’ by calls for militia


A military spokesperson has told Burma Tha Din that the Tatmadaw is not at all offended by demands by ethnic Rakhine communities for people to be armed as peoples militias. There had been speculation that the military might be offended by the demands, as they implied the 300,000 plus strong military was unable to handle 1,000 plus ARSA insurgents.

The spokesperson told Burma Tha Din: “A militia is related to the military, so we are happy. The more people in military or security related groups the better as far as we are concerned. In fact, we would recruit many more people but if everyone is in the military who could we shoot at and arrest?”

88 Generation and Irrawaddy condemn Rohingya rising up against security forces

88 Generation members, who exactly ten years ago organised protests which led to an uprising against the government and security forces which were oppressing them , have condemned Rohingya for rising up against the government and security forces which are oppressing them.

“In the past we might have supported ethnic people fighting the security forces which went to their areas, raped and killed and burned their villagers, but those ethnic people weren’t Rohingya Muslims, so of course it’s different,” said Ko Ko Kessler.

The Irrawaddy website, which criticised armed ethnic groups for not marching to cities to help the uprising against the military in 2007, backed calls by military MPs for a meeting of the military dominated National Defence and Security Council to address the crisis.

ARSE declare ‘Mission Accomplished’


Rohingya insurgent group ARSE has declared ‘mission accomplished’ after attacks on border guard posts provoked renewed attacks on civilians by military and security forces.

“Rohingya villages are burning, thousands of people are fleeing for their lives, and the government have something they can use as an excuse for not implementing Rakhine Commission recommendations,” they said in a statement released on a Twitter account which may or may not be linked to ARSE. “Here we have shown we are defending our people against colonial invasion. There are not enough Tatmadaw in the world to defeat the ARSE.”

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Fake Rape, Twitter and 8.8.88 Anniversary - News round-up 9th August

Rape claims are fake says government rapist

In an exclusive interview following the publication of the governments report into allegations of human rights violations in Rakhine State, U Zaw Htay, Daw Aung San Suu Kyi’s propaganda officer, has told Burma Tha Din that the official government rapist has confirmed that rape claims against Rohingya are fake.

“When Myint Swe investigated the rape claims, the first person he visited was naturally Thura U Aung Ko, Union Minister for Religious Affairs and Culture. He has reportedly raped at least two women, so we have in-house expertise on rape at the highest government level. He confirmed the claims are fake. I would also like to add that although some were critical about the appointment of an alleged rapist as a government minister, once again Daw Aung San Suu Kyi showed how far-sighted she is in knowing that once day it would be useful to have a rapist government minister.”

Unfortunately, the interview was terminated after just one question after our reporter made a light-hearted comment to U Zaw Htay about his posting broken Facebook links on Twitter.


Twitter struggling in Myanmar despite boost from unemployed journalists


Twitter has reported it is continuing to struggle to gain subscribers in Myanmar despite seeing a 50% spike in Tweets, largely thanks to unemployed Myanmar Times journalists sitting in coffee shops in Yangon passing the time tweeting while waiting for a rejection email for their latest pitch.

“Facebook has got the mad anti-Muslim conspiracy theory market completely sown up, we just can’t compete” said a Twitter spokesperson.


State Counsellor blames staff for forgetting about 8th August


A source has told Burma Tha Din that Daw Aung San Suu Kyi is furious after only finding out today in Global New Light of Myanmar that yesterday was the anniversary of the 8 8 88 uprising.

"When I said people should only read and watch state media with lots of pictures of me in, I didn't mean that's also where I find out what's going on", she reportedly shouted at staff.

NLD HQ in Yangon have been ordered to deliver NLD calendars (each month featuring a picture of Daw Aung San Suu Kyi) to all staff in her office.

Senior staff had previously persuaded a reluctant Aung San Suu Kyi that she should make some kind of statement on the anniversary, and she agreed on the condition that no-one mention that the military might have been involved in anything relating to the protests or aftermath.

Sunday, August 6, 2017

Earth flat and Sun orbits Earth says Myanmar government

From our correspondent in Naypyidaw

State Counsellor Daw Aung San Suu Kyi has ordered Minister of Education Dr Myo Thein Gyi to revise school textbooks after commissioning an investigation by Myint Swe into whether the Earth genuinely is round and whether the Earth truly does orbit the Sun.

“If the international community can get it so badly wrong about the Bengalis, we realised they could have got many other things wrong as well, so we decided to investigate,” said Aung San Suu Kyi’s spokesperson, U Zaw Htay.

Speaking at a press conference in Naypyidaw, Myint Swe said that he had thoroughly investigated and found no evidence the planet Earth is round. “The Earth is clearly not round, this is just external elements who saw a hill and are exaggerating it.”

“The idea that the Earth orbits the Sun is ridiculous. They claim the Earth is moving at a 67,000 miles an hour around the Sun. Even when I am driving my car at 50 miles per hour I get a strong wind on my face if I lower the window. Here I am talking to you and I cannot feel even a light breeze on my face. I spent a whole day watching the Sun very carefully and very clearly it was moving across the sky while we didn’t move at all.”

U Zaw Htay told Burma Tha Din that following this investigation, Daw Aung San Suu Kyi has now commissioned Myint Swe to investigate whether there really is gravity and whether one and one really does equal two.

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Myanmar Military Deny Reports Min Aung Hlaing In Tears Over Facebook Posts

From our correspondent in New Delhi

A Tatmadaw spokesperson has denied reports in Indian media that Commander in Chief Senior General Min Aung Hlaing missed a key diplomatic meeting during his current visit to India because he was in his hotel room crying over Facebook posts which criticised him. India is a key supplier of military equipment to the Tatmadaw.

According to Indian media, Min Aung Hlaing failed to attend a lunch with Admiral Sunil Lanba, Chief of Naval Staff. His absence surprised Indian officials as Min Aung Hlaing is known the world over for enjoying luxury lunches and dinners on his trips abroad. The official reason given was that he had a spot of ‘Delhi Belly’.

However, a cleaner at Min Aung Hlaings hotel tipped off local media that at the time he was supposed to be at the lunch meeting she had seen the general in tears in his hotel room, pointing at Facebook posts on his laptop and complaining to his staff.

“I thought soldiers were supposed to be strong but this man cried like a baby,” she is reported as saying.

The Senior General is widely known to be very sensitive about negative posts and jokes about him on social media. He has frequently ordered his officials to make complaints about comments or jokes about him, in order for them to be charged under the notorious section 66d of the telecommunications law. To date the government of Myanmar, led by Daw Aung San Suu Kyi, have been happy to allow these complaints to go ahead.

A military insider told Burma Tha Din; “It’s a nightmare, like so many people in Myanmar he is glued to Facebook, but he gets so upset if people makes jokes or critical comments about him. We are soldiers but instead of guns we have to carry tissues in case Min Aung Hlaing cries over a Facebook post. We can’t let him go into meetings with tears running down his face. Sometimes he won’t even get out of bed, he just sits there on his laptop all day crying or shouting. We have people to run his Facebook Account but he still reads all the comments. On foreign trips we usually tell him the wifi is down, but something obviously went wrong this time.”

A spokesperson for the government of India refused to comment on the reports, but in an official statement they said: “Please Min Aung Hlaing, if we give you lots of guns will you be our friend instead of China’s?”

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Burma Tha Din Business roundup

Total to increase investment in response to increasing human rights violations

French oil giant Total is looking at new investment opportunities following a UN report that human rights violations against the Rohingya minority may constitute crimes against humanity.

“After six years of optimism that human rights in Myanmar would improve, we are now back to seeing the kind of human rights violations which make Myanmar an attractive place for Total to invest in,” said Total head, Patrick Pouyanné. “The establishment of a UN Fact Finding Mission in the Human Rights Council resolution was what finally convinced us that now is the right time.”

Burma Tha Din understands that Total executives were also reassured by the NLD decision not to significantly increase spending on health and education, and continued high military spending.

“The recent use in Kachin and Shan areas of the MIG jets we helped pay for demonstrates the positive contribution our investment has already made to Myanmar,” said Pouyanné. “If the government starts providing healthcare and schools it creates problems for us as we need to fund these things as part of our public relations damage control.”


Carpet bag market stagnating


Carpet bag sellers in Yangon are reporting a slowdown in sales after five years of exponential growth.

“It does appear that we have nearing saturation point in the carpet bag market”, said Maung Tin, a sales assistant at Rag and Jeans, a shop popular with foreign workers in Yangon. “Sales are steady but not rising crazily like they were. It’s still a very big market though, especially compared to five years ago.”

Burma Tha Din understands that some carpet bag merchants have responded to the slowing sales by expanding into other markets, such as prosecco wine and mac book accessories.


Myanmar Centre for Responsible Business to discontinue Pwint Thit Sa?

Rumours are circulating that the Myanmar Centre for Responsible Business may discontinue its Pwint Thit Sa/Transparency in Myanmar Enterprise(TiME) reports, owing to the fact that people in Burma now have access to the internet.

An insider told Burma Tha Din, “When it was launched four years ago looking at what companies published on their websites, hardly anyone in Burma had internet access so there was little risk of upsetting any companies. That has changed now so it’s a bit more risky, even though all we do its look at the company website, rather than what the company is actually doing. The last thing we want to do is accidentally expose any wrongdoing by a company or make them look bad.”

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

KNU Leader Announces New 'Four Principles'

Fresh from his election victory at the KNU Congress, KNU Chairman Saw Mutu Say Poe has announced a new ‘Four Principles’ to replace the four principles of KNU founder, Saw Ba U Gyi.

The move to change the ‘Four Principles’ is a bold one, as for decades they have been a cornerstone of the ethnic Karen struggle for rights and self-determination.

A KNU insider told Burma Tha Din, “Mutu is feeling very confident now he has been re-elected and ensured his rivals and critics have no senior positions. Having got 139 votes out of the 5 million Karen people, he feels he has a mandate to do what he likes.”

Saw Mutu Say Poe’s New Four Principles are:

For me, surrender is an option
Sale of Karen State natural resources must be complete
We shall retain our petrol stations
Harn Yawnghwe shall decide our political destiny

Monday, April 3, 2017

EU to rebrand peace funds as conflict funds

In an exclusive interview with Burma Tha Din, the EU Ambassador to Daw Aung San Suu Kyi, Roland Cobia, revealed that the EU will rebrand its funding for the peace process as ‘conflict funding’ in light of the increase in conflict in Myanmar.

“It just looks bad if you provide tens of millions of dollars for peace and you end up with more conflict," said Cobia. “We considered momentarily whether we might be doing something wrong in the way we have gone about our peace process related funding, but that’s basically inconceivable. The chances of any of our projects in Myanmar ever receiving a genuine evaluation for effectiveness are close to zero, but just in case, we are rebranding this funding as conflict funding, and now we can unequivocally claim the funding is successful.”

Ambassador Cobia also provided an insight into why, despite tens of millions of dollars pledged to the peace process and to develop ethnic areas, internally displaced people in camps in Kachin and Shan States don’t have adequate food, shelter, medical facilities, or education for children.

“What we found with the Karen and Karenni refugees and IDPs is that if they are forced to flee their homes because of conflict or, well, I don’t usually like to use this phrase, human rights violations, and if the area they come from remains unstable and there are landmines, then they don’t want to return home. They can’t live in camps forever so you basically have to withhold and withdraw aid to force them to return home.”

Ambassador Cobia refused to be drawn on exactly how much money the EU and EU member states have spent on the peace process or what exactly the money has been spent on.

“We established the Joint Peace Fund which has been very successful if coordinating the hiring of foreign consultants, and already you can see the results with most donors now using the same phrases such as ‘complex challenges’, ‘needs to be given time’, ‘bound to be a bumpy road’, ‘bound to be setbacks but overall direction of travel is good’, ‘we have to engage and support, ‘I’m afraid we don’t have that information available’, and ‘this time I promise we really will get back to you as soon as possible with details of end recipients of our peace process funding.’

Ambassador Cobia also dismissed criticism that funding is biased towards the priorities and agenda of the government.

“It baffles me as to why ethnic people in Myanmar expect the European Union of all bodies to support any kind of devolved or local decision making. It goes against everything the EU Commission stands for. Our model is to centralise power in one place and make decisions for the regions, and this is the model we follow in Myanmar as well. We always worked with and through the central government, be it military, former military or now Aung San Suu Kyi. Our centralised approach dovetails very nicely with Aung San Suu Kyi’s approach so we work very well together.”